Something Big

SOMETHING BIG

33 years, that is how long I have been on this earth. And in 33 years I have survived not 1, but 2 near death experiences. That should be telling me something. Yet, when times get hard, I forget and I freak out and I stress, and I lose it!! I have done that freak out thing numerous times this week and the past couple of months. But this morning was different.

The last 3 weeks, I have to say the devil has been putting in some overtime in our lives. And boy I mean overtime. Relationship stuff, family stuff, then the car situation. Granted our car is old, but she did her job. Right up until last Monday night when she said ENOUGH and gave out on us on 85. She was nice enough to let us get off of 85 and put her in a parking spot at McDonalds on Jimmy Carter. Thank God for family and the help that they gave us.

Granted, my other half is usually the calm one and I am the one doing my freak out thing, crying, screaming, getting pissed at the world, But the roles were reversed that Monday night. I have no clue why. Later on I did a little bit of freaking out, but gave up quickly as Aaron did something to make me smile.....

Got through the week with the help of the mama in law and others, had a fantastic time hanging out with my other half and his vacation days, fathers day, etc. Monday comes and I start to do the freak out thing again. Didn't last too long, as again Aaron came to the rescue. 

Tuesday came and it hit me ALL AT ONE TIME!!! And the freak out started and it continued ALL DAY long. I am thankful baby girl was at her cousins. Because you never want your child to see you fall apart. Aaron came home, and the freak out stopped, he made it stop, although it took him a lot longer and alot of words later. 

Yesterday I have to admit I had a good day. Started out kind of rocky, but finally got the car where it needed to be and was praying for a miracle. Tried to get my daughter home, but she was busy doing a photo shoot (that is another complete blog in itself...LOL). 

My phone rings this morning as I lay sleeping on the couch after Aaron got off to work. It was the ringtone I have set for all my calls I don't answer. So I didn't answer, then my voicemail notification went off. I said hmmmm....but then rolled over and went back to sleep. something woke me up 5 minutes later to get up and listen to the voicemail. It was the service shop, the man politely tells me the car needs MAJOR work and to please call him back. My heart sank, but I was still being hopeful. I dialed the number, the man answers and proceeds to tell me we need a whole new transmission, plus other work, but the transmission is the 1st thing that HAS to be fixed. My heart said to not ask price, but being logical my head spoke for me and asked. $1700 without labor, and it will be ready by Saturday if you give me the ok. I proceeded to tell him I would call him back and let him know..........

I then called Aaron who is always the calm one. I was pissed. He got pissed. And then we debated for a short moment about what to do..........

I hung up with him and the freak out began.........I cried, I yelled, I screamed, and then fell to my knees and prayed. I then proceeded to get off the floor, get dressed, and walk. Just walk. No destination in mind, I just walked. Put my sneakers on, locked the door, and walked. And I was walking fast. Walking and talking. Talking out loud. I know the people that were passing me thought I was CRAZY!! I was just talking, venting, trying to figure it out. Then something told me to be quiet, to stop talking, and to LISTEN.......so I did.

I turned around and started walking back to the house in silence, listening to my heart. I walked slowly this time. Walked slow & listened hard.

I REFUSE TO LET THE DEVIL WIN!!! I REFUSE!!! Keep trying, but God is so much bigger than what you are trying to do devil..........I came into the house and got busy. I will NOT give up. I WILL NOT!! I figured out a plan, I will make it work, I have too much going on to give up. Not to mention the fact that we have a beautiful little girl who needs us. 

I got online and started hitting the applications harder than ever before. I applied to every store within walking distance. Something big....it is coming.........I feel it.

Sometime through my freak out, I happened to text my brother in law.........the last sentence of the text was I am so frustrated. His response "Have you prayed yet?" I text him back "Prayed, cried, screamed, walked." His text back " That sounds like the name of your book." My text back...."WOW!" I could not say anything else because for years, people have told me that I needed to write a book.....

I did what I had to do. Put my walking shoes on again and started walking. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me, not even the rain. I dropped off applications at every store that required paper apps, picked up apps at stores I didn't think about, got groceries, and walked back. I WILL NOT GIVE UP....Something big...Something big is coming............

Throughout my walk I am texting

One text I get is: What is gonna happen next?

My response: We are both breathing and so is Tana.

His response: I'm sorry and I LOVE YOU!!! Thanks Bay!!! (in my mind I was thinking, what did i say? but whatever....at least he was out of his funk & freak out!)

My response: I LOVE YOU MORE! WE ARE GOING TO BE FINE!!

Him: R u positive?

It took me a couple of minutes to respond............

The answer hit me and my response was:

No. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But GOD made sure I came back for a reason. and u & I are still together for a reason....we just have to keep fighting.

There was no logical explination as to why I said that to him. None at all. Just something I had to say. something that was in my heart, something God whispered to me as I was walking and listening. I could have died last year when I got sick, but I didn't. I was the ONLY one to survive in ICU. The drs couldn't even explain why I still here. The drs even said I was a miracle. Why would God keep me on earth for me to fall apart now? I WILL NOT GIVE UP.....Something Big....Something BIG is coming....

A couple of months ago, I bought the new Mary Mary CD. Listened to it a couple of times & through it to the stack. But today...Today I felt the NEED to listen to it over and over again. To open it up and read all the lyrics to the all the songs. The new song they are playing on the radio is  Survive. That word seems to sum up my life for the last 2 years. I survive. I have survived and I will continue to survive, not only survive, but surpass all the tests and trials God puts in my life....SOMETHING BIG....SOMETHING BIG is coming...

My faith has been more than tested in the last couple of years. But for the last week, since church Sunday, it has gotten stronger, even in my moments of freaking out. It helps that I have Aaron and my family. They help keep me together and keep my faith strong. But today, God made me see....I WILL NOT GIVE UP...I REFUSE...SOMETHING BIG....SOMETHING BIG IS COMING...

SOMETHING BIG

by Mary Mary

Hey, Hey, Hey everybody, I got something to say

I met this man named Jesus and I ain't never been the same

You know my heart's been changed, I'm nothing like I was

'Cause I was stuck on stupid, but now I'm filled with love

You know something big done happened to me

Something big done happened to me

And I gotta tell the world about it

If I keep it to myself

(if I keep it to myself)

How you gon' find out about it?

(how you gon' find out about it?)

 Jesus took the worst of me

(Jesus took the worst of me)

And help me get myself together

(help me get myself together)

Greatest man in history

(greatest man in history)

Can't nobody do it better

(Can't nobody do it better)

If your soul is sinkin and feelin like you're lost

don't know who to turn to

Then let's go to the cross

Jesus bled ad Jesus died and Jesus took the fall

All your wrong, all my wrong, Jesus paid it all

Something Big is coming.......Oh YES....Something BIG is coming...............