Never Wave My Flag

NEVER WAVE MY FLAG

 

God NEVER ceases to amaze me.  When people say God is Good, they are NOT lying. Lord knows he showed me that on Saturday!! I kept playing the Something Big CD by Mary Mary. God must have whispered to my soul that I NEEDED to listen to the CD on repeat. The messages he was trying to send me were in that CD. Thursday I KNEW Something Big was coming...it took a day or two, but it came.

Friday morning I was able to borrow my mother in laws car to go and pick up the DIVA from her auntie's house. As I was walking out the door, I grabbed the Mary Mary CD. I knew MJ would be playing all day in honor of his death, but I NEEDED to hear Mary Mary. As I drove and listened, song #4 came on, "It is Well!" Please know I have heard this song before. Not the first time I had listened to the CD, but as I listened I started to cry hysterically. Not my usual stress freak out cry, a soothing release kind of cry.

IT IS WELL

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well, it is well with my soul

Love interrupted by tradegy

What will my life be like now

I do know that I can handle it

If it's what you have allowed

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well, it is well with my soul

My heart's been broken into pieces

And I've had more than my share of pain

Still I believe that all things will work out for my good

So while in my storm I'll boldly proclaim

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well with me

It is well, it is well with my soul

That is the whole song. Slow and simple. Not long at all. But something about that moment and that song made my soul cry...literally cry. I played it 3 times after that and cried and sang out loud. I sang at the top of my lungs as loud as I could. That last 2 lines in the second verse is what I screamed out the loudest....."Still I believe that all things will work out for my good, So while IN MY STORM I'LL BOLDLY PROCLAIM...IT IS WELL WITH ME.........etc.

I sang it and I proclaimed it and then I dried my eyes and felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I feel so at peace and so calm and felt like NO MATTER WHAT storm I have to go through, God will make it well for me. I just let it all go and said "Lord, I hand it ALL OVER to you, you lead the way and I will follow."

I got to my sisters house to pick up the top model and I stayed for a while. I talked to my sister, saw the gorgeous photos she took of the diva & our niece & just hung out for a while. I was in no rush, just wanted to be in the presence of family. In walks my brother in law. He is wise beyond his years. He is the man I know I can go to with ANYTHING in my life and he will give me GREAT advice, he is also the man that has been telling me for years to write a book....

We talked for a while and had a great conversation. After the soul cleansing in the car and the conversation with him, I KNEW that we would be alright. We meaning me & my babies. We may not have a car, but we are all alive, all healthy, and most of all we have each other and an OUTSTANDING family that LOVES and supports us. 

Saturday morning I woke up and started to feel a slight bit of stress. I know that Aaron was too. But I did all I could in my power to LET it go. As Aaron and I debated about something that should NOT have been even debated about, I felt anger & stress get the best of me. I walked away for a moment and prayed. I handed it over to God and let it go. I felt 100% better. But my poor other half was just having a stressful morning. I talked to him and reassured him all was going to be well. It was well with me and I wanted him to have the same feeling. No matter what I said or how I said it, I could still see the stress on his face. So I decided to take matters into my own hands, packed us up and off we went to release some stress. As we are going to our location my phone rings and it is the Dollar Tree, a place I had dropped an application off to on Thursday when I was on my mission.

The manager was on the other end of the line offering me a position. NO interview, nothing. We spoke for a while and set up a date for me to come in and fill out paperwork. She instructed me on what I needed to bring with me and that I would be there for several hours training and then back on the schedule for Thursday. That once all my paperwork and information went into the system, I would have a schedule for next week also. I wanted to scream in her. I swear if she had been in front of me, I would have hugged and kissed her. THANK YOU GOD!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!  I was floating on air it felt like. As I looked at my babies and told them what happened, tears filled my eyes and I was beyond relieved. Baby girl was thrilled, Aaron still look stressed. BUT, I just simply kissed him and said, "I told you everything was going to be ok!" 

Something Big was coming and I was right. I felt it Thursday. It came. It may not seem that big to anyone else, because its only the Dollar Tree, but to me that was GIANT! I have been out of work for almost a year. It has been beyond a struggle sometimes, but we made it. God delivered RIGHT ON TIME!!! I told the devil he was not going to win....and he didn't!!!

A friend commented on my last blog that she loved it because she felt like I was giving my testimony and that I was setting my soul free. What I got out of my last blog and her comment were that I finally gave my heart to God freely. I didn't fight him or the test or anything. I just gave in, I listened for once. I really listened to HIM and followed his signs and words. One of my best friends texted me after I texted her with the good news and said "He answered your prayers quick!" I said, "yes, he did! I don't know what I did differently, but it worked." Her response was "U trusted Him." After thinking for a moment and recalling the comment my friend had made about the last blog, I realized that I did trust Him and I still do. That was my response back to her. I told her " I did & I do & I just really opened my heart up this time!"

I let my fears vanish, I let my stress go. God KNOWS what he is doing. He will send test after test. There will be mountains to climb and valleys to get through. The devil will keep trying me and our family because in the past, I have given in and let him win. But God is on my side now. HE is the MVP on my team, the captain, He is calling all the shots. He leads and I follow. 

This morning Aaron and I began to feel a little stress. Aaron more so than me. He dealt with it his way, I got in the shower and I prayed. I prayed HARD. Got out of the shower and went about my day. I put Mary Mary on when I got out of the shower and just listened and worked. As I worked another song stood out to me...."Never Wave My Flag" As I listened I said, "keep trying devil, but I Will NEVER Wave My Flag. Not today, not tomorrow, and not ever again. Keep trying, but you won't win. God is in control." There has been a couple of times today that the devil has tried to get to me, I got frustrated with some things and wanted to give in, BUT...I yelled at him and said "I'LL NEVER WAVE MY FLAG, NEVER!!" I have been singing that song in my head all day. And will continue to sing it. Each time he tries, I yell and then God sends me another sign that he is leading. THANK YOU LORD!!! I will keep following, and I WILL NEVER WAVE MY FLAG!!!

NEVER WAVE MY FLAG

Mary Mary

Seems like I should run away 'cause life is hitting me in the face, hey, hey

But I'm here and I'll never surrender to fear

Retreat and be defeated no way, 'cause I can't, I can't

'Cause I can see it, I'm getting closer, the hardest part of it is almost over

And now I'm stronger, I'm a fighter and only victory can satisfy this hunger

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

Oh, Oh, Oh I'll keep holding on

Oh, oh, oh I'll keep holding on

Seems like I should run away 'cause life is hitting me in the face hey, hey

But I'm so focused, but I'm so driven

I gotta make the best out of this life I'm living

Can't be a winner if I surrender

I can't surrender, I won't surrender

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

Oh, Oh, Oh I'll keep holding on

Oh, oh, oh I'll keep holding on

Seems like this could be the day when I'll no longer be afraid

I can fight as long as you're with me

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

I'll never wave my flag, never wave my

Oh, Oh, Oh I'll keep holding on

Oh, oh, oh I'll keep holding on

Seems like I should run away 'cause life is hitting me in the face

NOT TODAY, NOT TODAY

Something Big

SOMETHING BIG

33 years, that is how long I have been on this earth. And in 33 years I have survived not 1, but 2 near death experiences. That should be telling me something. Yet, when times get hard, I forget and I freak out and I stress, and I lose it!! I have done that freak out thing numerous times this week and the past couple of months. But this morning was different.

The last 3 weeks, I have to say the devil has been putting in some overtime in our lives. And boy I mean overtime. Relationship stuff, family stuff, then the car situation. Granted our car is old, but she did her job. Right up until last Monday night when she said ENOUGH and gave out on us on 85. She was nice enough to let us get off of 85 and put her in a parking spot at McDonalds on Jimmy Carter. Thank God for family and the help that they gave us.

Granted, my other half is usually the calm one and I am the one doing my freak out thing, crying, screaming, getting pissed at the world, But the roles were reversed that Monday night. I have no clue why. Later on I did a little bit of freaking out, but gave up quickly as Aaron did something to make me smile.....

Got through the week with the help of the mama in law and others, had a fantastic time hanging out with my other half and his vacation days, fathers day, etc. Monday comes and I start to do the freak out thing again. Didn't last too long, as again Aaron came to the rescue. 

Tuesday came and it hit me ALL AT ONE TIME!!! And the freak out started and it continued ALL DAY long. I am thankful baby girl was at her cousins. Because you never want your child to see you fall apart. Aaron came home, and the freak out stopped, he made it stop, although it took him a lot longer and alot of words later. 

Yesterday I have to admit I had a good day. Started out kind of rocky, but finally got the car where it needed to be and was praying for a miracle. Tried to get my daughter home, but she was busy doing a photo shoot (that is another complete blog in itself...LOL). 

My phone rings this morning as I lay sleeping on the couch after Aaron got off to work. It was the ringtone I have set for all my calls I don't answer. So I didn't answer, then my voicemail notification went off. I said hmmmm....but then rolled over and went back to sleep. something woke me up 5 minutes later to get up and listen to the voicemail. It was the service shop, the man politely tells me the car needs MAJOR work and to please call him back. My heart sank, but I was still being hopeful. I dialed the number, the man answers and proceeds to tell me we need a whole new transmission, plus other work, but the transmission is the 1st thing that HAS to be fixed. My heart said to not ask price, but being logical my head spoke for me and asked. $1700 without labor, and it will be ready by Saturday if you give me the ok. I proceeded to tell him I would call him back and let him know..........

I then called Aaron who is always the calm one. I was pissed. He got pissed. And then we debated for a short moment about what to do..........

I hung up with him and the freak out began.........I cried, I yelled, I screamed, and then fell to my knees and prayed. I then proceeded to get off the floor, get dressed, and walk. Just walk. No destination in mind, I just walked. Put my sneakers on, locked the door, and walked. And I was walking fast. Walking and talking. Talking out loud. I know the people that were passing me thought I was CRAZY!! I was just talking, venting, trying to figure it out. Then something told me to be quiet, to stop talking, and to LISTEN.......so I did.

I turned around and started walking back to the house in silence, listening to my heart. I walked slowly this time. Walked slow & listened hard.

I REFUSE TO LET THE DEVIL WIN!!! I REFUSE!!! Keep trying, but God is so much bigger than what you are trying to do devil..........I came into the house and got busy. I will NOT give up. I WILL NOT!! I figured out a plan, I will make it work, I have too much going on to give up. Not to mention the fact that we have a beautiful little girl who needs us. 

I got online and started hitting the applications harder than ever before. I applied to every store within walking distance. Something big....it is coming.........I feel it.

Sometime through my freak out, I happened to text my brother in law.........the last sentence of the text was I am so frustrated. His response "Have you prayed yet?" I text him back "Prayed, cried, screamed, walked." His text back " That sounds like the name of your book." My text back...."WOW!" I could not say anything else because for years, people have told me that I needed to write a book.....

I did what I had to do. Put my walking shoes on again and started walking. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me, not even the rain. I dropped off applications at every store that required paper apps, picked up apps at stores I didn't think about, got groceries, and walked back. I WILL NOT GIVE UP....Something big...Something big is coming............

Throughout my walk I am texting

One text I get is: What is gonna happen next?

My response: We are both breathing and so is Tana.

His response: I'm sorry and I LOVE YOU!!! Thanks Bay!!! (in my mind I was thinking, what did i say? but whatever....at least he was out of his funk & freak out!)

My response: I LOVE YOU MORE! WE ARE GOING TO BE FINE!!

Him: R u positive?

It took me a couple of minutes to respond............

The answer hit me and my response was:

No. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But GOD made sure I came back for a reason. and u & I are still together for a reason....we just have to keep fighting.

There was no logical explination as to why I said that to him. None at all. Just something I had to say. something that was in my heart, something God whispered to me as I was walking and listening. I could have died last year when I got sick, but I didn't. I was the ONLY one to survive in ICU. The drs couldn't even explain why I still here. The drs even said I was a miracle. Why would God keep me on earth for me to fall apart now? I WILL NOT GIVE UP.....Something Big....Something BIG is coming....

A couple of months ago, I bought the new Mary Mary CD. Listened to it a couple of times & through it to the stack. But today...Today I felt the NEED to listen to it over and over again. To open it up and read all the lyrics to the all the songs. The new song they are playing on the radio is  Survive. That word seems to sum up my life for the last 2 years. I survive. I have survived and I will continue to survive, not only survive, but surpass all the tests and trials God puts in my life....SOMETHING BIG....SOMETHING BIG is coming...

My faith has been more than tested in the last couple of years. But for the last week, since church Sunday, it has gotten stronger, even in my moments of freaking out. It helps that I have Aaron and my family. They help keep me together and keep my faith strong. But today, God made me see....I WILL NOT GIVE UP...I REFUSE...SOMETHING BIG....SOMETHING BIG IS COMING...

SOMETHING BIG

by Mary Mary

Hey, Hey, Hey everybody, I got something to say

I met this man named Jesus and I ain't never been the same

You know my heart's been changed, I'm nothing like I was

'Cause I was stuck on stupid, but now I'm filled with love

You know something big done happened to me

Something big done happened to me

And I gotta tell the world about it

If I keep it to myself

(if I keep it to myself)

How you gon' find out about it?

(how you gon' find out about it?)

 Jesus took the worst of me

(Jesus took the worst of me)

And help me get myself together

(help me get myself together)

Greatest man in history

(greatest man in history)

Can't nobody do it better

(Can't nobody do it better)

If your soul is sinkin and feelin like you're lost

don't know who to turn to

Then let's go to the cross

Jesus bled ad Jesus died and Jesus took the fall

All your wrong, all my wrong, Jesus paid it all

Something Big is coming.......Oh YES....Something BIG is coming...............

Changes.........

Thanks to a dear friend of mine who's blog I was just reading, I was inspired to start writing again. I started writing when I was 12 years old. I have old notebooks & journals half filled up with trials & tribulations I went through during the "roughness" of teenage years, when I thought life was really rough. I started writing because I was forced too. In 6th grade English, part of our grade was based on keeping a daily journal. Some days there were topics we had to write about, other days we had free writing. Free writing days was when I discovered the joy of writing. We were required to only write one page, yet I always found myself writing 3 or 4 pages. I would have to get a new notebook half way through the school year sometimes. I kept a journal every year after that. Partly because English class required it, but mostly because it helped me keep my head on straight throughout middle & high school. I was the girl that kept a journal throughout the summer too. Yes I was that girl...the nerdy girl who was always in the advanced classes, always on honor roll. Then IT happened. My junior year, I met HIM. And I stopped writing. Well I stopped free writing in my journal unless it was required. He took up my every second. Ahh, high school love..........That is where I made my mistake. I should have never stopped writing. But you live and you learn, and boy I have learned SO very much.

I got through my junior year with him by my side & swore we would be together forever. That just goes to show that sometimes we should all know in high school what we know about life NOW. He graduated and the day after his graduation we drove from NY to GA following behind my father in the big yellow truck. I left EVERYTHING I knew ALL of my life and relocated to GA with him, after much debating and arguing with my father. We made it through the drive and through the years, with many ups & downs. Fast forward to 2004.

1 month after my beautiful niece Zoe was born, I found out I was pregnant. THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!!! All my life I KNEW that the ONE job I wanted was to be a MOTHER and God finally gave me my gift, my blessing. At that moment, I knew, I had to start writing again. And I did. After I found out God had blessed me with a beautiful little girl, I found the PERFECT notebook and I started writing again. It was a fuzzy pink notebook with dark pink hearts. I couldn't ask for a more perfect notebook. And the journey began. I wrote to baby girl everyday. About the journey I was taking with her in my belly. Every thing that happened I recorded for her. It was FANTASTIC!! Then she was born & I was always out of time. 3 years later, she decided to take the notebook & draw in it. Its still around, with her additions to it.

January 2009, I found myself divorced, a single mom, & moving back in with my parents. I was dying inside. I was about to move 3 hours away from my life. From my soul mate, from my sisters, from my friends, from everything I had grown to know & love. But it was necessary for me to do, for myself. I needed to figure out what was next. High school was far from over & so was the life I had known. I was about to turn 31 in March and was thinking I still didn't know what I was doing with my life. It lasted 6 months, you can't always go home!!! But during that 6 months I wrote EVERYDAY!! I wrote about me, about life, about being a mom. I wrote to my soul mate. I wrote to him every night. Wrote about my day, wrote about any & every thing. I still have the notebooks. And yes I still write in them from time to time.

Here I am today...writing again. I KNOW my soul needs this, I KNOW my heart needs this, I KNOW my mind needs this. I KNOW I NEED THIS!!!

I turned 33 this past March. 33 and I still feel like I don't know what I am doing with my life. I do my best to be the BEST mother I can be, the BEST girlfriend I can be, the BEST sister I can be, the BEST friend that I can be. And yet I still feel empty inside. The last 3 years have been crazy for me. I got divorced, I became a single mom, I fell IN LOVE-MADLY, TRULY, DEEPLY, CRAZY IN LOVE with who I KNOW is MY SOUL MATE. HE COMPLETES ME. HE IS MY OTHER HALF. I have the SWEETEST, CUTEST, GREATEST little girl who fills me with love & joy everyday. THEY ARE THE REASON I LIVE. AND I MEAN THE REASON I LIVE!!!

In January of 2009, I was rushed to the hospital due to swine flu. I woke up in February. They said it was a miracle. Everybody else that was admitted for the same thing passed away. I was the ONLY one that survived. And everyday I ask God why? My boo is a grown man, he could've made it without me, I would've always been there in his heart. My baby girl has an AWESOME family that would have made her life BEAUTIFUL, and I know I would always be with her too. Plus she has the BEST daddy in the world. Everyone else would have been fine too. So why me Lord? What is my purpose here on Earth? Why did you save just me? What are you using me for?

vallies. And almost 3 years later we are still here. He stood by my side when most men would have walked. He waited 8 years...8 years, I say. We met 8 years ago at my sister & his high school. He says he fell in love with me the first time he laid eyes on me. I still laugh about that. How do u fall in love with somebody the minute you see them? But it is obviously true, because I was on my mind for 8 years. He came into my life at the MOST PERFECT time. And I always tell him it was because my cousin sent him to me.

My marriage was ending, my cousin & best friend had just passed at the age of 34 suddenly. And like an angel there he was..."Aaron Borders, don't you remember Nen?" my sister says to me as we are riding to Atlanta to help plan my cousins funeral. "Yes, I do. His son must be huge by now!" I said. (that's a funny story, a whole different blog!). "Well he told me to tell you Hi!" she says. "When did u speak to him?" I asked. "Oh he left a comment on my Myspace page!" she says. "oh OK. tell him i said whats up!" I stated.

The next day I went on a hunt & I found EXACTLY what I was looking for. There it was on my computer screen as plain as day...."Hey BIA! How you doing? Tell your fine ass sister I said Hi!!" Sooooooo.....me being the wise ass that I am, I get on his myspace page & leave him a comment........
"If you want to say Hi, say Hi to this fine ass woman yourself and stop sending messages through my sister!!" The rest, as they say is HISTORY!!! What started out as a friendship became the GREATEST LOVE I HAVE EVER COME TO KNOW!!!

Almost 3 years and here we are. We have been through so many changes. And starting Friday, God willing, the BIGGEST change is about to come. Starting fresh in a new town. Starting our Master Plan as I say. As Nicki would say...."GREATNESS is what we are on the brink of!"

I start school in July for massage therapy. Something I have always wanted to do, but let everyone else talk me out of it. We are beginning the process of buying a house, among other things. The master plan, yes it is. So here I am, asking again, Lord what is my purpose? Why am I here? I know you put Tana & Aaron in my life to help me see the purpose, so please help me now see what the rest of my time on earth is meant to be...........

Changes? YES LORD!!! I AM READY FOR MY CHANGES!!! And I Pray to God that my boos will be with me on this journey...and I hope all of you will take this journey along with me too........
Until next time.............
Nena